By Mikey Rox, December 2019 Issue
Gifts galore for him, her, they, and them — because secular Santa doesn’t discriminate like hypocrite “Christians” do.
The Vice Wines
If any of your vices include a 2017 Mount Veeder Merlot, 2017 Spring Mountain District Cabernet Sauvignon, or 2018 Carneros Pinot Noir, stock up and save with these aptly named vinos handcrafted to make you feel naughty and nice. $28-$695, thevicewine.com.
Budsies Selfie and Petsies Dolls
Lookalike dolls made to order from submitted photographs of your human and pet pals are stuffed with so much holiday cheer that this thoughtful treasure will be cherished for years to come. Ideal for drag queens that have everything but this. $99, budsies.com; $59-$199, mypetsies.com.
Sprints Running Hat
moisture-wicking Tropical Jaguars hat (unisex) protects athletes and outdoor
enthusiasts from noggin burn and wet eyes whenever they feel like running wild.
Kick-start your secret Santa’s side hustle with Bluprint — NBCUniversal’s digital subscription service that offers classes, projects, and supplies across 20-plus crafting hobbies, like quilting, knitting, embroidery, and crochet — that can easily transform a creative procrastinator into a weekend money maker. $8-$200, mybluprint.com.
OurShelves Children’s Book Box
Guncles and lesbi-aunts will be bedtime-story superstars when they deliver this quarterly subscription box filled with racially and ethically diverse children’s books featuring LGBTQ, feminist, and other traditionally under-represented characters and families. $20-$70, ourshelves.com.
Dessert Gallery Party in a Box
A successful holiday potluck requires two staples: free-flowing booze and plenty of sweet treats. You’ll find the latter in this Party in a Box available in Southern Pecan Pie, Tres Leches, To-Die-For Fudge Pecan Pie, or a customizable tasting box. $40-$89, dessertgallery.com.
Kimball Quero Boots
Step up your partner’s foot-fashion game with these ruggedly constructed wingtip boots featuring mixed leather and rubber for a no-slip stride that are as dapper as they are ‘damn, boy — you lookin’ fiiine!’ $245-$255, querohms.com.
Cat Ball Bed
Cats lick their plates clean when there’s fish on the menu, but roles are reversed when cute kitties become shark bait in this killer-cozy bed that’s totally fin-tastic. $85, thecatball.com.
Kombucha Making Kit
Whether you guzzle it or gag on it, kombucha has proven it has staying power, and now the most health-conscious homos in your squad can whip up a fresh batch of their favorite fermented fizz without forking over a bundle per bottle. $45, farmsteady.com.
Rory Rockmore Pronoun Necklace
Using proper pronouns in the LGBTQ community can be confusing — you’ll stand corrected if you accidentally misgender — but these 14K gold or white gold nameplate necklaces (also available in HE/him and SHE/her) remove all the guesswork so you can save face. $240, roryrockmore.com.
The 5 O’Clock Box & Tom of Finland Vodka
In these three-step kits – available in sparkling rosé, spiced Old Fashioned, smoky margarita, and Moscow mule – all 5-o’clock-somewhere-ers have to do is add alcohol (like Tom of Finland vodka), shake or stir, and garnish to get tipsier than a freshly cut Tannenbaum. $30, twistyourspirits.com; $35, tomoffinlandvodka.
Quartz Collective Healing Crystals
You don’t have to believe in magic to reap the benefits of this collection of curated stones and crystals — which is backed by scientific research, btw — that can help facilitate healing, luck, confidence, and calm and soothe negative nervous energy like anxiety. Rub ’em hard enough and you might even conjure up a top that can host. $29, quartzcollective.com.
The best gift for friends in tiny apartments is even tinier plants that don’t require a ton of care. Live-and-let-live succulents and minis are the perfect present — because who the hell wants to attend another ficus funeral? $5-$228, succulentsbox.com.
This color-blocked, couldn’t-be-queerer-if-it-tried collection of clothing and accessories pop so hard Crayola is blue-green with envy. Wallets so bright they’ll make a bish swish harder. $12-$156, mokuyobi.com.
CBD Under $20
Pop a literal chill pill when your in-laws start their shit at Christmas supper with CBD hemp capsules or gummies clocking in at under $20 for more than a week’s worth of you-don’t-give-a-fuckness. $7-$20, cbdfx.com.
Axol & Friends
These cute plush critters with a purpose have companion storybooks — Axol is gender neutral, using only the pronoun “they/them” in the books — which teach children about rare endangered species and advocate for sustainable, ethical production and consumerism while donating a portion of proceeds to youth empowerment programs around the world. $19, axolandfriends.com.
Socks That Save LGBTQ Lives
Take a cue from today’s black-sock-showing youth and don this out-and-proud rainbow-stripe pair, the proceeds from each will benefit The Trevor Project to provide crisis intervention and suicide prevention for LGBTQ youth. $17, fairtradewinds.net.
HipDot Pressed Glitter Palette
Hey Sis!, Big Boss Miss Ross, and Royal Riot are just a few of the names in HipDot’s 15-shade pressed glitter palette designed for all genders to beat their faces like Ziggy Stardust. Proceeds will be donated to the Anti-Violence Project. $30, hipdot.com.
Tighty Whities Ornament
Baby, it’s really cold outside with these festive, glass-assed skivvies that add some bulge to your bulbs. $18, alwaysfits.com.
Burl Ives sang the praises of silver and gold in 1964’s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but you can accessorize all the same with the very-now Nascence Collection Studs available in three shapes and metal tones. $50, iamfelixsebastian.com.